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(Mom to daughter with sick dog) I know it’s hard. But Rex is very old and sick, and the most humane thing we can do is end his suffering, and let him get acquired by Yahoo.

Yahoothenasia

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“So, Jimmy. Looks like you been a bad boy, rattin’ us out to the cops.”

“It wasn’t me, Pete, I swear—”

“Cut the crap, Jimmy. It was you. And now you’re gonna pay the price.”

“Wh-what are you gonna do? Shoot me?”

“Jimmy, Jimmy. This ain’t New York. We’re the Silicon Valley mafia. Killin’ ya would be too fast. So instead, we’re gonna sell ya to Yahoo.”

“…What? I don’t understand…”

“Then lemme spell it out for ya. First, you’re gonna languish, starved for cash to develop and expand. Then your top talent’s gonna take the hint and start clearin’ out. Pretty soon your user base’ll catch on, and it’s gonna get mighty lonely.

“You’ll die, Jimmy – piece by piece, whether they finally just give you the ol’ pink slip or cut you up and sell you for parts. By the time they’re finished with ya, you’ll be wishin’ to God I’d have just put a bullet in your head.”

“Do I… do I at least get options and a signing bonus?”

“Of course. We ain’t monsters.”

Acquired tastes

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This is to commemorate the newest addition to Google’s family: a company named Metaweb that produces a product called Freebase, and whose technology holds out the prospect of richer, more nuanced search informed by a massive, free and open database.

I’m in Portland, Oregon this week for OSCON. If you’re here too, give me a wave (I’ll be the guy drawing madly on his iPad, as I’m cartoon-blogging the event). Or drop by my sessionon Wednesday.

Or just acquire me. That seems to be the new “hello!”

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